Follow by Email

Friday, May 30, 2014

Philly Focus: 5 Steps to Partying Like You're From the Northeast

Follow the guide and this could be you!
          Like most blue collar communities, we in the Northeast have a different notion of a good time.  Our idea of fun isn't exclusive to our little community and many neighborhoods around the city have a similar understanding as to what constitutes rip-roaring good fun, but like a white man teaching a Black Studies class, I just wouldn't feel comfortable talking about how other people get down.  So if you want to party like you're from the Northeast, here's how it's done.

No finer establishment exists
        1: Pregame:  We in the Northeast prefer to start our nights with some good pre-game drinking.  That's drinking before you go out drinking, for all of the pussies out there that think six hours of boozing is enough.  We prefer a local bar for this particular venture, the drinks being cheaper and all.  You want to get there around five-thirty.  This way the old guys from the neighborhood who've been drinking all day can regale you with bullshit stories of their youth in between betting on horse races.  Sure they're all half crazy, racists but they make you feel good about yourself. O...and the women at the pre-game bars...Fat girls in tight clothes, whorish make up, tramp stamps and big stupid earrings everywhere.  And the best part is you may even have a shot with these broads if you play your cards right. Men's room's a disgusting pigsty, shit in the ladies room, no one cares, its beautiful.  The thing with pre-gaming is, if you're not in a cab on the way to the next spot by nine, the ambiance can suck you right in and you may make a night of it.  Worse things can happen, I suppose. Some good spots; Mckeana's (the Aldine), Castor Bar, Smeggie's, Coach's  all classy joints to defile yourself in.

2: Head into the City: Northeast Philly folks prefer bars that are like bigger crowded versions of Northeast Philly bars, think Finnegan's Wake.  Time for gross shots and shitty cover bands. Hope you like Jump Around performed by middle aged teachers.  Now its time to score some ladies.  Picking up women isn't the easiest thing to do when you're retarded drunk at nine-thirty.  However, that shouldn't stop you from trying.  While it's well known that men from the Northeast are coveted by women the city over, scoring downtown can be difficult.  Your best hopes, a sorority chick from Drexel that just broke up with her boyfriend or a radio station intern from Penn that wants to go slumming. You just know after a grueling week of law school and interning at Ross and Feinstein, upper middle class broads are just dying to wake up next to the kettle man from Union Roofing.  Good times.

Liquid Charm. Watch out ladies!
3: Get kicked out: It's 1:30 a.m., time for the cab ride home. But you have a problem. Trying to get drunks from the NE to leave a bar at the same time is like trying to write a unified field theory.  Now what do you do?  Start a fight of course.  Punch the dogshit out of the first person that bumps into you and hope his friends aren't pussies.  Assuming they're not they'll immediately start kicking your ass.  Lucky for you Northeast code demands all of your friends start fighting no matter how big of an asshole you are, rules are rules.  No willing dance partners in the bar, no problem, start a fight with one of the bouncers. Either way, you're getting thrown out.  Mission accomplished  Crazy thing, people from the Northeast associate bars with the times they've been throw out of them.  Think I'm joking? Start talking to your Northeast friends about downtown bars, I bet it's not ten minutes before someone says, "remember that time we got kicked out of......."

1 in 3 chance, love those odds
4: Back to neighborhood: Northeast nights out don't end at 2 a.m., they end when the late night spots close. Kensington has the Photo Club, there's the Yik Yak on Torresdale or if blow is your thing there's Vagabonds on Frankford Ave.  Fine establishments all of them.  Beautiful thing about partying like your from the Northeast is you get to come full circle. Now it's 2:30 a.m. and you're drinking with the same people from the pre-game bar again.  And if you play your cards right you might wake up next to "tramp stamp".

5: Begin "carryover" Sunday: It only hurts if you stop.  Subject for a future post.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

In Today's Headlines

Our new foreign policy

           I've heard it said you can tell a great deal about a person by what they find humorous.  While I agree that statement is true, I believe it is also accurate to claim you can tell a lot about a society by examining what its media choses to cover and not to cover.  I'm aware most people watch television, read and dick around on social media for entertainment but that's not what I'm referring to.  The headlines and stories I'm talking about are the one's produced by "serious" journalists and "creditable" news outlets.  You know the type of hard hitting journalism that really gets to the heart of what's important to society.    Lets take a look at a few stories that have been dominating the headlines over the past few weeks, shall we?

This guy being a creep is news.
          Beleaguered Clippers owner Donald Sterling just can't get himself off the front page these days. This is the story that just won't go away.  The fact that the guy's a racist shitbag should not come as shock to anyone, especially since he proved time and time again over the years, he's just a horrible human being.  Why then, the round the clock coverage when this old fart asks his well paid whore, in a private conversation, to stop publicizing the fact that she's banging the frontcourt of the 87 Laker's?  Donald Sterling should have made National headlines when he denied minorities a place to live, not front court seats to a basketball game.  I guess a Jewish slumlord not renting to minorities isn't exactly news is it?  And it sure as hell isn't news when he's writing big fat checks to the NAACP.

Not comfortable with this? You bigoted bastard!
          That brings us to another sportsish story I'm sick of hearing about.  Michael Sam became the first openly gay football player to enter the NFL draft. I commend the guy for "coming out" before the draft process in order to get ahead of the rumors.  That action took balls and was legitimate news four months ago when the story broke. However, that should have been the end of the story. If we want gay folks to be treated like everyone else, then treat them like everyone else.  He should have gotten as much coverage as every other player in the draft with marginal NFL talent. Unless the media is pushing an agenda of course. The fact is most American's don't give a shit if a person is gay.  However, I can tell you most sports fans don't want the lifestyle endlessly shoved down their throat. Gay NFL player cool, Dude-Bro make out session please spare us.

Hold on. What the fuck is twitter?
          Finally, two weeks ago Islamic militant group Boko Haram kidnapped 300 Christian girls from a school in Nigeria and is threatening to sell them into sexual slavery.  Why is it news now?  The First Lady has formally disapproved of their actions on, I shit you not, twitter.  No word as to whether Boko Haram leader, Abubakar Shekau, has retweeted her #bringbackourgirls, tweet. Nice to see these psychotic assholes finally make the news cycle.  I guess the media only covers the scourge of the modern day world that are Islamists, when Michelle Obama makes it cool.  Probably wasn't sexy enough of a story when they started crucifying Christians in Syria. Either that or they don't want to stray from the Islam is like every other religion narrative they've been parroting since 9/11. Tomato.....Tomoto.

          So what are our takeaways here? According to the media....Americans need constant reminders about the racists boogeyman that lurks around every corner. We must be made to feel okay about homosexuality, by having it constantly shoved down our throats, too bad if two guys necking makes you uncomfortable, you awful bastard and  acts of homicidal insanity perpetrated by Islamic Radicals are only cause for concern when the first lady makes it trendy.  



Monday, April 28, 2014

The Right Kind of Discrimination

Reap it, you smug privileged bastards
          The Supreme Court ruled the people of Michigan have the right to the ban race based preferences, used as part of the admissions process, in their State universities.  The ruling effectively gives every State the ability, if they so chose, to rid their universities of Affirmative Action admissions policies. While I applaud the decision, I don't think it goes nearly far enough. I believe all Affirmative Action policies and initiatives, be they in connection with school admissions or job hiring processes, should be struck down as discriminatory. I'm well aware this is a pipe dream. Because you can discriminate in the United States all you want, as long as you discriminate against the right people.

         Lets start with who gets to benefit from Affirmative Action policies and initiatives and why  they do. According to most sources including there have been various incarnations of Affirmative Action policies dating all the way back to the years following the Civil War. For the purpose of this discussion I will be referring to Affirmative Action in its present form, first initiated during the Kennedy administration and then later put on steroids under L.B.J. The purpose initially was to help African Americans reach an "equal playing field" with white Americans after years of discrimination. In 1965,  L.B.J. stated:  "You do not take a person who, for years, has been hobbled by chains and liberate him, bring him up to the starting line of a race and then say you are free to compete with all the others, and still just believe that you have been completely fair." From its inception Affirmative Action was intended to help African Americans overcome the past injustice suffered throughout their unique history in the United States.

          Although enacted from seemingly noble and necessary rationale, Affirmative Action policies have morphed over the years to include any and every group of Americans that are either a statistical minority (except Asians, presumably for making other minorities look bad.) or have had an history of discrimination or persecution at some point in their group's past. Like most progressive policies, it was conceived with lofty goals and genuine benevolence towards a group of people that we're legitimately disadvantaged and morphed to cover every group that bitched and complained enough. Basically, any body whose great, great grandparents had their feelings hurt by a white man is coved at this juncture.

The face of oppression
          All of this begs the question: Who does not benefit from Affirmative Action policies and initiatives?  You got it, white males! And for some reason Asians. O' yeah, they don't need it.  The fact that most white people's ancestors emigrated here after slavery was abolished, lived in Northern cities void of mandated segregation, and that there are more poor white people than black people and in many places where Affirmative Action is practiced whites are no longer a majority, means nothing to Affirmative Action activists. The reason it is still advocated for by so many people is because... wait for it.... so many people are benefiting from it. Minority politicians and those serving minority communities, being fairly intelligent individuals, know challenging Affirmative Action policies might cost them support and advocating for it could garner them votes. Simple vote-buying and nothing more. White male politicians on the other hand rarely speak openly about it for fear of being labeled racists. Whether or not it is still necessary is irrelevant at this point. And nobody really gives a shit if a few privileged white males don't get into Harvard, right?

They're letting them in Harvard!?
         The real problem lies with the people that shape public perception and policy for the rest of us. Many of our elites in the media, the universities and government operate under the assumption that the United States is perpetually stuck in 1952. A world where the Thurston Howell the Thirds of the Country sit in smoke-filled rooms, at segregated country clubs, smacking their servers on the ass, pull strings to keep women out of the workforce and Jews out of Harvard.  In this fantasy land white males cannot be trusted not to oppress the rest of society and therefore must be coerced into hiring and admitting minorities and women into jobs and universities via Affirmative Action. People with this outlook tend to view Affirmative Action as more of a punishment for evil white males and Asians, for some reason, than a helping hand to minorities.

What the hell is Affirmative Action?
         That brings us to the Asian paradox.  No group of Americans has more reason to bitch and complain about shabby treatment than Asians.  From the Chinese Exclusion Act to the Japanese internment camps, the U.S. government hasn't exactly treated the Asian community with great affection. However, Asians continue to be a fantastic success by and large.  According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, Asian men are the highest earning demographic in the country. Okay, I know what you're saying,  "way to cherry pick the "model minority" to make your point, dickhead." Then riddle me this, how come over 25% of Nigerian-Americans hold a post graduate degree, compared with only 11% of whites? They're black and they live in America. Shouldn't the horribly racist system have put them at a disadvantage?  Perhaps the real issues retarding success in certain minority communities have less to do with historical injustice and more to do with culture and all the Affirmative Action initiatives in the world can't address that quandary.

        Advocates of Affirmative Action are the real racists.  What they're essentially saying is women, African-Americans and Hispanics, Hispanics now making up the largest group benefiting from Affirmative Action policies, can't compete with everyone else. Simply put, by denying Asians Affirmative Action benefits, they're telling people this minority (Asians) can compete and succeed, but these minorities (women, blacks Hispanics) aren't capable. 

          Here's how you solve the problem of discriminatory admissions policies in colleges and universities.  Stop discriminating during the admissions process.  Take race, gender and names off the applications.  Assign every applicant a number and accept students based solely on merit only. 

          The bottom line is this:  If the top ten most qualified applicants for a job or a spot in a college are all white males and three of them don't get the position because 30% of the spots are set aside for minorities or women, the only reason those men did not get the position is because of the color of their skin and the dick in their pants. And that, my friends, is the definition of discrimination. 





Tuesday, April 1, 2014

April Morons

I swear this is a real thing
          We are living in the greatest place on Earth, during the most prosperous time in human history. How do I know you ask? Look at the absolutely ludicrous nonsense issues we are concerning ourselves with these days. Our lives are so splendid that we have to invent shit to whine about. The problems the media and our elites would have you believe we are facing, if voiced aloud, at any other point in the history of humanity would have gotten you at best laughed at and at worst thrown in a mental hospital. For instance, the U.N. claims that genders are not fixed, they're chosen. No I'm not joking. This preposterous notions is actually given credence and serious discussion in "enlightened" circles nation wide.

          Could you imagine telling parents in the 1950's little Johnny gets to choose his gender, lest we force our him into a gender prison that he may never escape?  That's right, gender unlike sex is merely a social construct. Little boys play with trucks, watch Spider Man and shit their pants until they're five because that's what society expects from them. And little girls dress up dolls, watch Cinderella and start saying horrible things about each other at age four because that's what they see adult women doing.  The worst part is our awful society has been perpetuating these stereotypes, O, I don't know, for around ten thousand years.  Thanks Ancient Greeks. If you guys weren't so horribly oppressive to little girls five thousand years ago maybe we would have had a female President by now.

No you cannot wear a dress to school
             No worries parents, the social crusaders are out to correct this horribly repressive system.  Let boys be boys. Only if you're a backwards troglodyte, dragging your ol' lady around by the hair and clubbing your dinner to death, before making her cook it.  Thank God for us the enlightened members of society are advocating letting children chose their own gender.  What could go wrong? I'm sure your five year old has a solid decision making record.  So let me get this straight, you tell your kid; when to go to bed, when to get up, what to eat, what to wear but you want your kid to tell you what gender they want to identify as? Good luck.

What bathroom do I use?
          How, in a sane society, can any reasonable person give any of this a second thought before pissing their pants laughing? Answer, easily. The State of California is working to pass a law allowing students to choose what bathroom they prefer using, based on the gender they think they are, or some such horseshit.  That's right, the State that twice elected the guy that read the script from Kindergarten Cop and said "That's a great fucking idea for a movie" are pioneers in the area of gender equality. From the time I was five until about nine, I thought I was Chewbacca. And apparently my parents are appalling assholes for not indulging this fantasy. My dad should have dressed as Han Solo and my mom should have advocated my school build a bathroom for Wookies. So if little Susie Sunshine ,says tomorrow, she wants to live her life as a dude  you better cut her hair and build a MMA pit in your basement or you're a despicable, oppressive, piece of shit excuse for a parent.

          You think there's a chance any of these poor young impressionable children are saying they want to identify as another gender for attention? Me too. Next time you hear a person start talking about gender identification, identify them as an asshole immediately. Furthermore, any parents who put their children on hormone replacement therapy should be thrown in prison.

Coming to a City near you.

Monday, March 24, 2014

The Gay Gestapo

     Let me start by saying, I don't care about gay marriage or marriage "equality" or what ever the hell people want to call it these days.  For the most part neither do most Americans. Most Americans, like myself, just don't want their lifestyle shoved down our collective throats constantly and then a lecture about what a bunch of bigoted assholes we are when, God forbid, we ask for a break. It's the "gay Nazis" at the Universities, in Hollywood and Cooperate America that can leave no area of American life untouched by their "gay rights" proselytizing, that are starting to piss me off. Can any facet of American life be left untouched by the "Gay Gestapo?" First it was the St. Paddy's Day Parade, then the military, then sitcoms, then schools, then the NFL and finally back to the St. Paddy's Day Parade again. That's it! Marry who ever the hell you want, just leave the rest of us alone.

Stop enjoying your parade, you hate filled bastards!

     A hand full of corporations decided they were going to pull their usual sponsorship from this year's, New York city Saint Patrick's Day parade. Not because gays were excluded from walking in the parade, mind you, but because they were being treated like everybody else.  The parade committee just asked that they not carry signs that advertise their sexuality. What a concept? I'm fairly certain that no other group marching in the parade was advertising their sexuality.  I'm yet to see the picture of the A.O.H. marching with a sign that says 'we bang chicks' or the Emerald Society  riding a float of a hetero-sexual couple in full coitus.  And that's the problem with the "Gay Gestapo." Walking in the parade just like everyone else isn't good enough. No.. they need to shit all over a 100 year old tradition and turn it in to a fucking Ricky Martin concert. Bottom line is, no one cares what your sexual preference is. Just wear green, walk the damn parade route, get retarded drunk and have a good time. It's hard enough explaining to your kids why adults are pissing in the street. People sure as hell don't feel like explaining why a ripped, shirtless St. Patrick is making out with a midget in a Leprechaun outfit.

     The Gay "SS" would have you believe all they want is marriage equality.  Marriage "equality" is one the greatest intentional misnomers ever propagated. Anybody can get married. You just can't marry whoever the hell you want. The "Gay Gestapo" wants to change the rules. Control the language, control the argument.  Example: Gay Gestapo: 'are you for marriage equality?' Normal human being: 'na, I believe marriage is between a man and a women.'  Gay Gestapo: 'then you don't believe gays are entitled to the same rights as everyone else, you bigoted Fascist!?'  Argument over. But "equality", you see, is not their goal.  If it were, why doesn't anyone argue for the creation of a new institution called garriage, where people have the same legal recognition and protection as a normal marriage, however, with a union of same sex people. Answer... because gay marriage isn't about creating a new game, it's about changing the old game for everyone else. You can bring a football to a golf course and play ball if you want. However, what you're playing is never going to be golf unless you change the rules of the game. And that my friends is exactly the goal of the "Gay Gestapo."
Say Vaaaaat?

     The most militant arm of the "Gay Gestapo" is the homophobic police.  They're everywhere, they're relentless and they strike when you least expect it.  There are a lot of things that can't be uttered in polite society anymore and most for good reason. Nonetheless, few things short of the "N" word will get a person in more trouble than uttering a homophobic slur. The homophobic police can't throw you in jail, but they can sure as hell make your life miserable. Just ask Alec Baldwin. People have lost their jobs, homes and had their whole lives destroyed because someone at the office overheard them say gay marriage was wrong.  And good luck firing an open homosexual no matter how incompetent they are. Our new protected class (every one that's not a straight, white, male. Your welcomed for the civilization you ungrateful bastards) sure is protected. I don't want to live in a world where an off color joke about gay guys in a hot tub can land you in the unemployment line. 

     Look.. I don't care who marries who or who marches in what parade. But I do care about the "Gay Gestapos" relentless push and incessant whining from their moral soapbox at every perceived slight or injustice.  Just give us all a break and let us have our damn parade in peace. And Guinness you can go fuck yourself.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Screw March Madness

I'm a deranged, smacked-ass, baby!

     It's mid-March again and time for the annual marathon that is NCAA basketball tournament.  Once again we will be picking our brackets, cheering for some over-privilege 20 year old to make a damn free throw and listening to Dickie V. scream like a deranged town crier about how we're watching the greatest spectacle in sports.  I, for one, am over the NCAA tournament. This, however, will not inoculate me from the extravaganza. No, I too will play multiple pools, get pissed off when nobody can make an open jump shot and get sucked into the round the clock, slobbering love affair, media coverage. 

Your bracket is screwed buddy!

       We all love a good "Cinderella" story, but should we? Here's the problem with "Cinderella"  teams. Sure it's fun to root for the underdogs, but when they win the pool of good teams is diluted and so are the chances of seeing the best match-ups.  Shouldn't we want the good teams to win so we can watch better games?  Eventually, the "Cinderella's" luck runs out and we have to watch them get rolled by a real team in the "elite 8" by 30 points.  I guess the worst part about the upset teams winning is that you have to listen to that jackass at work tell you about how he knew Hampton was due for a run, even though he can't even tell you what State it's in.  The real problem with "Cinderella's" is that it's only fun to cheer for them if you're watching the right game and I, of course, never am.

  The greatest prognosticator in basketball history.

        The odds of picking a perfect bracket are roughly a million to one. Despite that halfwits everywhere (myself included) will pick pools in the office tournament.  When we turn that thing in we know we are really nailed it.  We are so confident in our infinite wisdom, based on the careful analysis we no doubt used, that we'll also play another pool with our "upsets" in it. You know just in case the team we picked to go to the "Final Four" that we haven't see play once all year, because their on the West Coast and we just can't stay up that late, isn't up to the task of taking out a powerhouse like Middle-Tennessee State. The rule of thumb is, the more time you spend pouring over your bracket and checking the R.P.I., the less chance you have of actually picking a winner. That's why everyone is enraged when at the end of the day a women from the office that doesn't know jack shit about basketball wins, but no one is surprised.  

     Inevitably, during the endless stream of coverage, one of the analyst's will bring up the T.V. ratings and the ludicrous amount of money the NCAA banks during the tournament's run. This discussion is almost always followed by the "we need to pay the players" bullshit argument propagated by some ex-hoopster.  First of all, why should we give a rat's ass how much money the NCAA is making? Secondly, why should anyone feel the least bit sorry for the most over-privileged students (if you can call them that) on a college campus. Why, because between basket weaving 101 and banging cheerleaders they have to go to practice?   Clearly, the people making these arguments are not crushed by the financial burden of student loans.  Furthermore, no one is forcing these young men to play college basketball. If it's that difficult being a beloved college athlete, then go through the "regular" application process like the rest of us. Having a hard time getting by on the stipends given to athletes? Quit playing and get a job at Wal-Mart.  Don't complain to the 98% of us who would give our right arm to be blessed with your unearned, God given ability.  If you fail to appreciate the six figure blessing, that is a college scholarship, you got for being able to dunk a fucking basketball, than you're not smart enough to be in possession of a college degree anyway.

Going to Harvard to beat up some smart kids. In Southie accent

   Despite all the annoyances that go alone with the NCAA tournament, I''ll be watching anyway and so will you.  Good luck, I hope Harvard bust your bracket of the first day.  They got me last year, those brainy pricks. 

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Every One's a Pussy

Manliness Personified
     How do you know a man's, man when you see him? Answer, these days it's impossible.  At one time pop-culture was littered with awesome examples of badass manliness.  The kind of guys that would inspire you to say, "damn I wish I had balls like that!"  Now acting as if "you had balls like that" will at best, label you a chauvinist asshole and at worst land you a sexual harassment suit for oppressing some shrieking violet.  Life was a hell of a lot more fun before all of our tough guys got castrated.  You know why no one ever told Rowdy Roddy Piper he had to go to sensitivity training?  Because he would have lifted his kilt, bitch slapped them with his giant nutsack and had a threesome with their wife and sister.  I'm sure there are still guys out there like that, but they're all in hiding. Unfortunately, modern society has no room for openly "manly" guys and that's why every one's a pussy.

Tell me how you felt inside when they hacked off your finger.
       Professional athletes used to be the pinnacle of all things manly. Regular guys should envy Pro Athletes. Who doesn't want to be built like a Greek god, perform superhuman feats, use the hottest women in the world's asses for pillows, all while making millions of dollars?  Hell, even special teamers are knocking off playmates.  I'm looking at you Hank Basket.  These guys check off almost every box on the manliness list.  The stories of many pro athlete's toughness used to be the stuff of legend.  Ronnie Lott once told a team trainer to cut his fucking finger off, so he could play in a regular season game! Meanwhile Carey Williams sat out training camp to pick sconces for his new house. Now we have to hear about all of their hard luck stories growing up in the special segments on Sportscenter, concluding with the guys we used to idolize bawling like they're on Dr. Drew's couch. No reporters ever asked Dr. J to unpack his feelings over the loss of his mother because he would strangled the shit out of them like they were Larry Bird.

     Cartoon villains were always bumbling buffoons.  They were however serious men.  Wile e Coyote attempted experiments that would make Josef Mengele say, "that's fucked up!"  Now even cartoon bad guys are pussies.  I watched the original Peter Pan the other day. Captain Hook was actually trying to kill Peter Pan and his boys.  Now he and Peter Pan work together to try to over come obstacles and get gold doubloons or something. They're standing right next to each other in every episode for Christ's sake.  The old Captain Hook would have just shot him in the face and sold  the Neverland Boys to a child slavery ring. Furthermore, when did Tom and Jerry go to couples therapy? They're actually friends now. I remember an old episode in which Jerry shot Tom's keister off with a double barrel shot gun. Now, how are kids supposed to learn about the dangers of firearms? I never thought I'd see the day when Elmer Fudd broke bread with Bugs Bunny, but here we are.


So you want to fire a giant rocket up his ass? Sick...

      Then there's the Rock Starr.  Axl Rose would belt out Paradise City, start a fist fight with Slash, then dropkick a female fan in the front row and all before the first act ended. Now I have to listen to Chis Martin 's high pitch squealing as he waxes on about some girl that broke his heart in high school because he wore glasses or some shit. Followed by Adam Levine whining because his parents got a divorce.  These guys aren't manly or tough anymore and they certainly aren't real rock stars.  I want my rock stars trashing hotel rooms, punching photographers and doing things the would land a normal person in prison. Rock stars shouldn't be pinning on about the necessity of "going green" and explaining how bullying is hurtful.  I would have given my right arm to hang around with Bret Micheals.  I'm not sure I would even want to be in the same room with the preachy blowhards, that flail around in skinny jeans and sing songs about how hard their life was because they lost their cellphone charger in tenth grade. What a bunch of pussies.

Even we think Maroon 5 are pussies.

Outside of the crew of the Northwestern or the cast of the Ultimate Fighter good luck finding some pop-culture though guys.  Unfortunately, the feminization of our culture is almost complete (subject for a future post) and it's only going to get worse. No good news here.



Friday, March 7, 2014

That's a Disease?

I did nothing to deserve this horrible disease.
     Classifying everything as a disorder or a disease is another way of saying nothing is anyone's fault.  What this does is essentially make a person who has made a series of horrible life choices a victim of forces beyond their control.  Thus taking away that person's power to change. I'm willing to concede that some people are genetically pre-disposed to weight gain or drug and alcohol dependency.  True, but that just means those people need to be more aware of the potential pit falls of a Whopper or smoking crack. Addictions are terrible and ruin lives. However they are choices and utterly preventable. Cancer is a real disease, agoraphobia is a disorder the following non-sense below is not.

Awww! Night time was due!!!!!
   If you took the Broncos to cover the spread for $500 in this year's Super bowl and you only had $50 to your name, not only are you an hand-job you may have pathological gambling disorder.  When you find yourself betting both sides of the same game so only one bookie kicks your ass, you got a problem alright.  Its' called mental retardation. There is no amount of pills or therapy that's going to keep a moron from betting against the sunrise because he got great odds and thought nighttime was due. Lying and stealing from your family to pay off Teddy K.G.B. before Grama fucks your shit up ain't a symptom of disorder.  It just means your an asshole.

    I'll be the first to admit super fit people piss me off. No, I'm not joining your crossfit group and I don't give a fuck how much gluten is in a muffin.  Nonetheless, those annoying pricks work hard.  They chose to get up at ungodly hours eat like cave men and do ridiculous shit.  That's what it boils down to... choice.  Have a psychotic aversion to physical exertion? Like brushing your teeth with a frosty and gargling with bacon grease? Do you have to bathe outside of your own fucking bath tub?  No, your not a disgusting human being and its' not your fault, you may have obesity disorder (government classification pending).  You know what's hard? Following a diet and getting regular exercise.  You know what's easy? Watching Maury, free basing Papa John's, sitting on your ample ass while collecting a disability check.

Why wouldn't an accountant need to achieve this level of fitness?

     Drug and/or alcohol dependence is every bit the choice overeating and betting on the weather are.  We all know addicts, and I genuinely feel for some of them. However, God did not smite you with some terrible affliction like an addiction disease because he doesn't like your hair cut. If he really hated you, you would have been born in Uganda.  You didn't wake up this morning with that bottle of Wild Turkey in your hand or that syringe in your arm.  You chose to pick them and if you work your ass off you can choose to put them down too.  It's a long road from smoking pot at a high school kegger to blowing Swifty in the sub-way bathroom for "smack." And guess what? It's gonna be along way back.

                                                    Anybody in here addicted to blow?

       Bottom line is, classifying asinine lifestyle choices as diseases or disorders is only going to produce more ludicrous classifications.  There's big money and legal protection in being a victim.  You'll find that out when they open a government methadone clinic across the street from your kids' daycare.  At any rate, if shitty decision making is a disease, I hope its' not contagious.  And if it is I apologize to anyone I had contact with from 1995-2006.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Get a Lawyer Northeast Philly

Convergence of the space-time continuum

       The other day a friend and I were pondering why two guys as smart, handsome and talented as we undoubtedly are, aren't living in mansions, driving nice cars and snorting caviar off a supermodel's ass.  This presented a real conundrum, since none of this could've possibly be our fault.  We went through a litany of possible culprits before reaching our eureka moment. Little league coaches, teachers, alcohol,  T.V. shows, contaminated drinking water, were all floated as possibilities.  None of these entities alone, we hypothesized, could possibly explain the totality of our life-long under achieving.  During the course of our lengthy discussion we had come to realize that we are products of our environment. The schools, the bars, the non-existent social connections all the evidence points towards you Northeast Philly!  That's why we wish be compensated for all of the things we never figured out growing up. Therefore, we are filing a class action suit on behalf of all aggrieved Northeast Philly products in attempt to salvage some semblance of a normal life.

     The schooling in Northeast Philly was manifestly sub-par.  Now mind you, I'm not talking about the actually academic facet of education.  That part was fine, it was the social development that was lacking in Northeast Philly schools.  When I'm describing schools, I mean the Catholic schools.  The only people who attended public schools were bussed in or kids from the neighborhood whose parents didn't love them. Nobody built your self esteem. Most of the people who staffed the schools we attended were around since the sixties and didn't give a rat's ass what you thought about anything. Who knows? If one of those old curmudgeons would have told me I could be anything other than a ditch digger or an inmate, I could have been the "drunken asshole" character on a reality show. 
Could have been me

     Perhaps my biggest issues with  the schools were that we never learned to properly socialize,  especially with the opposite sex.  This, no doubt, has marred any healthy relationship we may have otherwise had.  Outside of those uppity first track, shitbags, how many people do you know from the Northeast in a healthy relationship?  F.Y.I. joining a dart league so you can escape your family and get blackout drunk on a week night ain't healthy.  The problem starts in grade school, where every interaction you have with the opposite sex is either discouraged or closely monitored by psychotic nuns that long to do nothing more than kick you in the jibbers should your eyes gaze anywhere in the forbidden zones. Then there's the single gender high schools.  What did you learn there? How to break balls and fart during momentary silence without shitting yourself? Very valuable skills indeed.   It's a pretty safe bet that the guy at a party that smell like ass, makes fun of girls until they cry before trying to leave with them, went to Father Judge or North Catholic.

     Then there were the gyms of the Northeast. How were we supposed to be healthy when the guys we looked up to were built like professional wrestlers?  Now people do cross fit, tough mudders and triathlons.  You couldn't get prepared for that kind of venture in an old school Northeast Philly gym.  The cardio equipment was just for show and if you accidently stepped on a treadmill everyone just assumed you were gay. We wanted to be mass monsters. We were developing the Northeast bar build favored by roofers and road crews.  You saw it every time you handed your fake I.D. to the guy at the door of the Sheffield Tavern; big arms, big chest, skinny legs and a beer gut. Think Hacksaw Jim Dugan. Had I known I was going to get bitch tits, I just would have taken steroids.   We really thought chicks liked this look.

There's some Hooooooooooooos in this house!
     Nowhere did you get a more false sense of what's acceptable than a Northeast bar. I wish some one told me the rest of society didn't drink for seven hours, use fuck as an adjective and a verb in the same sentence and act like an obnoxious asshole four days a week. Also it would have saved me a mountain of grief had someone just explained that it's not cool to defecate in the women's bathroom when the men's is full. Crazy thing, you don't have to drink like it's your bachelor party every time you walk in a bar (that gem will help you at professional lunches.)   Finally, I had to learn the hard way that women don't like it when you wait till 1:50 a.m. to try to talk to them, while slobbering all over yourself. 
     That's it in a nutshell.  If your from the Northeast and wish to join our class action lawsuit let me know in the comments section below.  Not sure if you qualify, than your not from Northeast Philly.

Friday, February 28, 2014

Handicapping the Best Picture Nominies, Disclaimer: I have not watched any of these movies

     You may be asking yourself, how can a guy who has not watched a single minute of one movie nominated for best picture and has no intention seeing them until they're on TBS in five years, accurately set the odds?  My answer, combine my deep analysis of the films' promotional posters, what I've heard the movie is about and combine them with what I've learned about the predictability of Hollywood assholes. 

     When the most privileged people on Earth gather, dressed in attire worth more than the yearly salary of the average viewer, for their yearly circle jerk known as the Academy Awards our "betters" will spend three hours kissing each others ass, promoting their pet causes (get that Sudan thing straightened out yet Clooney?) and rubbing our faces in the fact that we don't know shit about movies or films or what ever these pretentious, self-important, smacked asses want us to call them you'll want to know each films chances of winning.  Predicting what will make the Academy's collective crotch tickle is as easy as figuring out what picture they think will piss off Main Stream America the most, teach the best lesson about how we suck or some combination of the two. So without out further adieu, your nominees;

     From what I gather this movie is about some middle age woman repairing a space station and predictably everything goes wrong.  A very plausible plot considering most middle age women can't change the batteries in a smoke detector if it requires a screw driver.  But I digress.  Seems from the poster, Gravity is some half-assed character drama/thriller set against the backdrop and the emptiness of outer space.  Presumably, the message is about never giving up base on the "don't let go" thing on the poster.  May even be watchable from what I hear.  Odds of winning- 12:1

This is exactly the kind of shit I'm talking about.  This blog has more views than this movie and it's nominated for an Oscar. So ask yourself. Why? Answer, this is precisely the type of movie Hollywood nominates to prove they're smarter than you. Additionally, critics love Spike Jonze and Joaquin Phoenix giving Her cache .  From what I heard the picture's plot centers around an effeminate hipster who falls in love with his computer and the poster gives me no hope that there's any more to it than that.  I mean who casts Scarlett Johansson and does not even put her in the movie? A diabolical bastard, that's who.  Odds of winning-30:1.  Odds of seeing Scarlett Johansson 0:0.

                                                         I'm going to give this film great odds.  Dallas Buyers Club has a lot working for it, Hollywood A-listers suffering for their craft (losing weight), transvestites and AIDS.  Bear in mind, I have no idea how any of this works into the Plot.  However, the homosexual/transvestite angle has the potential to offend mainstream Americans, Hollywood gets to promote two pet causes (alternative lifestyles, AIDS awareness) and it all takes place in the most conservative State in the Union to boot.  The poster offers little help as to what Dallas Buyers Club is actually about. Although it screams "look how much weight I lost for this shit, give me a fucking Oscar!"  Here's my guess, a bunch of transvestite/homosexual used car dealers form a secret club in order to hide they're alternative lifestyles and smack addictions from their families.  Then they all get AIDS and die because they having shitty health care coverage or something.  Odds of winning: 6:1
      Here's a movie that is nominated for the sole purpose of kicking Hollywood's favorite whipping boy, the Catholic Church, square in the jibbers.  Apparently, in 1960's Ireland getting knocked up without being married was not socially acceptable. Who knew? Based on my limited knowledge of the plot, the heroine gets pregnant after her boyfriend forgets to pull out. Pulling out being the only form of birth control at the time. When her presumably drunken Irish father finds out he sends her away to live in a nunnery. The Little Sisters of Auschwitz proceed to work her like a Guatemalan landscaper, then forcibly put her son up for adoption.  Judging by the poster by the time she catches up with him, he is middle-aged and doubtlessly miserable. While Philomena surely makes the Catholic Church look nastier than the 70's Oakland Raiders, you're going to have to do better than that to sway the Academy, that dogs been kicked too many times to hunt.  Odds of winning 35:1  

     One of the few movies nominated this year that looks viewable, The Wolf of Wall Street has a few elements sure to make it palatable to the Academy and make it a real contender for best picture.  First, I'm certain it makes Wall Streeters look like a bunch of sniveling trolls, feeding on kittens and drinking the blood of the homeless.  Second,  I'm told the sight of Jonah Hill beating off made the head of a Kansas housewife implode.  Finally, Wolf of Wall Street was directed by perennial Oscar Contender Marty Scorsese. The poster really tells the story here.  Wallstreet is the shit, marching bands, half naked chicks, midgets, the only thing missing is Sherpa doing blow off a corpse .  Odds of Winning- 8:1

     Here's the odds on favorite folks. Just try to hold 12 Years a Slave back.  This thing is chock o' block full elements adored by Hollywood elites; foreign director, large talented minority cast with names no one can pronounce, portraying America as the hate filled racist cesspool it always was and unquestionably still is. I've heard it said, some Academy members couldn't even view it with their pants on.  The poster shows you all you need to know.  Slavery sucks and you should run away from it with a perplexed look on your face as fast as possible.  Like the election of President Obama, it's motherfucking time!  Act accordingly Academy.  Odds of winning-1:1, even money here people.
     Now the only things I know about this film is it was shot in black and white, the cast is old and it's set in Nebraska.   Critics love it so I'm going to go assume that's why it was nominated and also that it blows.  The poster only confirms my theory that the story centers around some old farts that don't give a shit what there hair looks like anymore. It happens, I've seen this very phenomena in Target quite a few times. Seems like a movie pompous blowhards would try to convince you is good after you tell them you thought it sucked.  Going to take a shot here, old people coming to terms with how abhorrent living in Nebraska is.  Anyway, don't see it. Odd of winning - No fucking chance in hell :1 

     Hot, young cast - check, hot director - check, portraying politicians as corrupt, semi-retarded mouth breathers - check,  set in the 70's... O yea. Need I say more?  The poster is visually pleasing for all.  Featuring the stunning Jennifer Lawrence for the fellas, Bradley Cooper for the ladies and gay dudes, it also includes a fat Christian Bale and ordinary looking (for Hollywood) Amy Adams giving regular folks the false impression they may have a shot with them. You would think this movie would have great odds and you'd be wrong.  The only movie critics I actually listen to, my buddies (mostly roofers, deadbeats and cops), tell me American Hustle isn't really that good.  Although they all added, "Jennifer Lawrence was awesome in it."  From which I extrapolated, her rack looked spectacular.  And there my friends, is why the Academy nominated this picture. They wanted the young Hollywood eye candy out promoting the Academy Awards broadcast, assuming superficial scumbags like me and my buddies would watch long enough to see if any wardrobe malfunctions occur.  Good calculation Academy.  Odds of winning- 9:1
     That brings us to Captain Phillips.  Nominated to prove the Academy is not to pompous to nominate an action type film the unwashed masses enjoy. However, containing just enough drama and social justice undertones to make it palatable to the windbags at the Academy.  The poster tells a deeper story than some psychotic jerk-offs commandeering a commercial ship. O' yes.  The contrast of good vs. evil, black vs. white, right vs. wrong, poverty vs. privilege, victim vs. oppressor, all separated by an ocean. But which one is which?  The bottom line is this film has an uphill climb to claim Oscar gold.  What makes the odds so high for a seemingly solid movie?  From what I gather the U.S. military saves the day without looking like a bunch of blood thirsty, imperialist dude-bros. This is tantamount to hemlock for the Hollywood gentry. Odds of winning- 17:1  
     Finally, my predictions. Phillip Seymour Hoffman will be Sainted,  Ellen will dance like your drunk Aunt at a wedding, Pink will swing around the stage like a deranged circus monkey in a vain attempted to make us forget her music sucks and I'll be asleep 45 minutes in to this shit show.  Enjoy folks.
I'll be live tweeting during the part of the Awards I'm conscious for.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Damn Hipsters

We can't touch our trust funds until we're 30

        Every now and then a guy in his mid-thirties like myself will take a look at the world around him and notice that some of his tried and tested knowledge and assumptions have become bullshit.  Growing up in Philly, after you knew were someone was from and what they looked like, you knew all you needed to know. That is sadly no longer the case and for people like myself that would much rather judge a book by its' cover than actually talk to them, it's a pain in the ass.  The main culprit in this tragic crime, the North American hipster.

     It used to be the case, not so long ago, that heavily tattooed people fell into a few categories; bikers, ex-cons, badasses and people that just didn't give a shit.  Now every handjob at a Decemberist concert is sleeved up like they just got out of Chino. At one point tattoos represented a desire to be left alone or a long night of drinking across the street from a tattoo shop. Not to the hipster, however.  To the hipster a tattoo has to represent much, much more.  Could be a life long struggle with lactose intolerance or some obscure social cause, like the plight of the Maori tribesman.  Either way asking them about their tattoos, which is exactly what they want, is a big mistake.  Unless you have a half hour to listen to a story about how a picture of an ostrich on their forearm represents the weekend they spent with their dead aunt Florence at SeaWorld.

When having sailor tattoos meant you were a sailor and a badass

      Excessive and elaborate facial hair was once reserved for only a chosen few.   That was until about eight years ago when the hipster commandeered our greatest face d├ęcor. Old timey boxers, jihadis, outdoorsmen and Civil War vets have historically worn the most hardcore facial hair.  These days every poli-sci graduate student that fills my beer at Johnny Brenda's (hipster hangout in Philly) looks like fucking Rolly Fingers. This puts guys like me with no upper lip or chin in a real bind.  We can either go facial hairless and look like a lesbian or grow some fantastic face fuzz and risk being lumped in with this asshole.

      Philly used to have some of the great blue collar working class neighborhoods on the East Coast.  Port Richmond and Fishtown were two of the best.  You could literally get your asked kicked for winning a C.Y.O. basketball game at St. Anne's on Lehigh Ave.  I know because it would have happened to me had my grandma not snuck my team out the back door of the gym after a sweet victory in the early 90s.  The guys you once saw strutting around there looked like the cast of The Town  and were every bit as tough.  Those formerly gritty areas have become hipster havens complete with swanky coffee shops, bicycle repair stops and other types of nonsense businesses that would have been bankrupt in two weeks before the neighborhoods was castrated.  Perhaps the worst casualties are the bars.  The shot and beer joints that opened at 6:00 a.m. so the roofers could get lubed up before work and stayed open long enough for the same roofers to get in a fight over some toothless scamp at 2 a.m. when they closed it down, have all been replaced.  The new hipster watering holes only serve "session ales" to clowns in skinny jeans that would have got their shit pushed in, in that same bar ten years earlier, ironically enjoying (the only way a hipster can enjoy anything) the shittiest music on Earth. 

     I think my real issue is I may be accidental hipster.  The hipster frequently dons my preferred uniform of jeans, a tee shirt, work boots and a Jeff cap,  I 'm fairly heavily tattooed and damn it, I enjoy IPAs!