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Friday, May 30, 2014

Philly Focus: 5 Steps to Partying Like You're From the Northeast

Follow the guide and this could be you!
          Like most blue collar communities, we in the Northeast have a different notion of a good time.  Our idea of fun isn't exclusive to our little community and many neighborhoods around the city have a similar understanding as to what constitutes rip-roaring good fun, but like a white man teaching a Black Studies class, I just wouldn't feel comfortable talking about how other people get down.  So if you want to party like you're from the Northeast, here's how it's done.

No finer establishment exists
        1: Pregame:  We in the Northeast prefer to start our nights with some good pre-game drinking.  That's drinking before you go out drinking, for all of the pussies out there that think six hours of boozing is enough.  We prefer a local bar for this particular venture, the drinks being cheaper and all.  You want to get there around five-thirty.  This way the old guys from the neighborhood who've been drinking all day can regale you with bullshit stories of their youth in between betting on horse races.  Sure they're all half crazy, racists but they make you feel good about yourself. O...and the women at the pre-game bars...Fat girls in tight clothes, whorish make up, tramp stamps and big stupid earrings everywhere.  And the best part is you may even have a shot with these broads if you play your cards right. Men's room's a disgusting pigsty, shit in the ladies room, no one cares, its beautiful.  The thing with pre-gaming is, if you're not in a cab on the way to the next spot by nine, the ambiance can suck you right in and you may make a night of it.  Worse things can happen, I suppose. Some good spots; Mckeana's (the Aldine), Castor Bar, Smeggie's, Coach's  all classy joints to defile yourself in.

2: Head into the City: Northeast Philly folks prefer bars that are like bigger crowded versions of Northeast Philly bars, think Finnegan's Wake.  Time for gross shots and shitty cover bands. Hope you like Jump Around performed by middle aged teachers.  Now its time to score some ladies.  Picking up women isn't the easiest thing to do when you're retarded drunk at nine-thirty.  However, that shouldn't stop you from trying.  While it's well known that men from the Northeast are coveted by women the city over, scoring downtown can be difficult.  Your best hopes, a sorority chick from Drexel that just broke up with her boyfriend or a radio station intern from Penn that wants to go slumming. You just know after a grueling week of law school and interning at Ross and Feinstein, upper middle class broads are just dying to wake up next to the kettle man from Union Roofing.  Good times.

Liquid Charm. Watch out ladies!
3: Get kicked out: It's 1:30 a.m., time for the cab ride home. But you have a problem. Trying to get drunks from the NE to leave a bar at the same time is like trying to write a unified field theory.  Now what do you do?  Start a fight of course.  Punch the dogshit out of the first person that bumps into you and hope his friends aren't pussies.  Assuming they're not they'll immediately start kicking your ass.  Lucky for you Northeast code demands all of your friends start fighting no matter how big of an asshole you are, rules are rules.  No willing dance partners in the bar, no problem, start a fight with one of the bouncers. Either way, you're getting thrown out.  Mission accomplished  Crazy thing, people from the Northeast associate bars with the times they've been throw out of them.  Think I'm joking? Start talking to your Northeast friends about downtown bars, I bet it's not ten minutes before someone says, "remember that time we got kicked out of......."

1 in 3 chance, love those odds
4: Back to neighborhood: Northeast nights out don't end at 2 a.m., they end when the late night spots close. Kensington has the Photo Club, there's the Yik Yak on Torresdale or if blow is your thing there's Vagabonds on Frankford Ave.  Fine establishments all of them.  Beautiful thing about partying like your from the Northeast is you get to come full circle. Now it's 2:30 a.m. and you're drinking with the same people from the pre-game bar again.  And if you play your cards right you might wake up next to "tramp stamp".

5: Begin "carryover" Sunday: It only hurts if you stop.  Subject for a future post.

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