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Tuesday, April 1, 2014

April Morons

I swear this is a real thing
          We are living in the greatest place on Earth, during the most prosperous time in human history. How do I know you ask? Look at the absolutely ludicrous nonsense issues we are concerning ourselves with these days. Our lives are so splendid that we have to invent shit to whine about. The problems the media and our elites would have you believe we are facing, if voiced aloud, at any other point in the history of humanity would have gotten you at best laughed at and at worst thrown in a mental hospital. For instance, the U.N. claims that genders are not fixed, they're chosen. No I'm not joking. This preposterous notions is actually given credence and serious discussion in "enlightened" circles nation wide.

          Could you imagine telling parents in the 1950's little Johnny gets to choose his gender, lest we force our him into a gender prison that he may never escape?  That's right, gender unlike sex is merely a social construct. Little boys play with trucks, watch Spider Man and shit their pants until they're five because that's what society expects from them. And little girls dress up dolls, watch Cinderella and start saying horrible things about each other at age four because that's what they see adult women doing.  The worst part is our awful society has been perpetuating these stereotypes, O, I don't know, for around ten thousand years.  Thanks Ancient Greeks. If you guys weren't so horribly oppressive to little girls five thousand years ago maybe we would have had a female President by now.

No you cannot wear a dress to school
             No worries parents, the social crusaders are out to correct this horribly repressive system.  Let boys be boys. Only if you're a backwards troglodyte, dragging your ol' lady around by the hair and clubbing your dinner to death, before making her cook it.  Thank God for us the enlightened members of society are advocating letting children chose their own gender.  What could go wrong? I'm sure your five year old has a solid decision making record.  So let me get this straight, you tell your kid; when to go to bed, when to get up, what to eat, what to wear but you want your kid to tell you what gender they want to identify as? Good luck.

What bathroom do I use?
          How, in a sane society, can any reasonable person give any of this a second thought before pissing their pants laughing? Answer, easily. The State of California is working to pass a law allowing students to choose what bathroom they prefer using, based on the gender they think they are, or some such horseshit.  That's right, the State that twice elected the guy that read the script from Kindergarten Cop and said "That's a great fucking idea for a movie" are pioneers in the area of gender equality. From the time I was five until about nine, I thought I was Chewbacca. And apparently my parents are appalling assholes for not indulging this fantasy. My dad should have dressed as Han Solo and my mom should have advocated my school build a bathroom for Wookies. So if little Susie Sunshine ,says tomorrow, she wants to live her life as a dude  you better cut her hair and build a MMA pit in your basement or you're a despicable, oppressive, piece of shit excuse for a parent.

          You think there's a chance any of these poor young impressionable children are saying they want to identify as another gender for attention? Me too. Next time you hear a person start talking about gender identification, identify them as an asshole immediately. Furthermore, any parents who put their children on hormone replacement therapy should be thrown in prison.

Coming to a City near you.

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