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Thursday, April 26, 2018

Deadbeat's Guide to Mother's Day Gifts

If you're like me, you think mother's day is just another made up holiday, designed by corporate America to shame men into spending their hard earned money on women or risk having your old lady think your an ungrateful shitbag.  Giving her, yet another reason, to bang her cross-fit coach.   The truth is, your wife or baby momma deserves some appreciation for spawning your demon seed and if buying her more, useless shit, will make her feel appreciated, that's the least we can do.  I know it can be intimidating, leaving your house, going to a store, and talking to actual people while the sun's still out, so I'm giving you 6 perfect gift ideas, you can purchase, without getting up of your ass.  Here's some gift ideas for you deadbeats. 

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For less than $30, you're lady will be able to cover the smell  of you and your children's natural musk.  Give her the opportunity to close her eyes, transport herself to a spa, collect her thoughts, and forget she let you knock her up.

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Think of this, high ticket item, as a gift for both of you.  On the plus side, you won't be fumbling through her jewelry box looking for spare change anymore.  On the minus side, she may expect you to fill this thing with jewelry. Use your discretion here...

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Imagine how surprised your "old battle ax" will be, when she comes home and sees this reminder, that she needs booze to get through a week with you and your hell-spawn, hanging in the dining room.  Jazz it up with some nice glasses or this contraption, for fall down drunks.  Whether your wife's a casual drinker or a total booze bag she'll love it.  

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Perfect gift for the guy, that pays zero attention to anything his lady says and thus has no idea what she likes.  You can't go wrong here.  Fact, women like to have soft skin and smell nice.  Sure its a generic gift that says, "I put zero thought into this, but I still got you something."  What's the alternative?  Listening to your wife when she's talking? 

Okay fellas, click here and here, for two completely selfish mother's day gifts.  Assuming your "ball and chain" hasn't let herself go since becoming a mother, you'll enjoy these.  Disclaimer, First, I don't recommend them as a stand alone gift, unless you content being a complete shitbird. Second, be careful or you'll have another mouth to feed and kid to but a card from, come next mother's day. Enjoy... 

Friday, May 30, 2014

Philly Focus: 5 Steps to Partying Like You're From the Northeast

Follow the guide and this could be you!
          Like most blue collar communities, we in the Northeast have a different notion of a good time.  Our idea of fun isn't exclusive to our little community and many neighborhoods around the city have a similar understanding as to what constitutes rip-roaring good fun, but like a white man teaching a Black Studies class, I just wouldn't feel comfortable talking about how other people get down.  So if you want to party like you're from the Northeast, here's how it's done.

No finer establishment exists
        1: Pregame:  We in the Northeast prefer to start our nights with some good pre-game drinking.  That's drinking before you go out drinking, for all of the pussies out there that think six hours of boozing is enough.  We prefer a local bar for this particular venture, the drinks being cheaper and all.  You want to get there around five-thirty.  This way the old guys from the neighborhood who've been drinking all day can regale you with bullshit stories of their youth in between betting on horse races.  Sure they're all half crazy, racists but they make you feel good about yourself. O...and the women at the pre-game bars...Fat girls in tight clothes, whorish make up, tramp stamps and big stupid earrings everywhere.  And the best part is you may even have a shot with these broads if you play your cards right. Men's room's a disgusting pigsty, shit in the ladies room, no one cares, its beautiful.  The thing with pre-gaming is, if you're not in a cab on the way to the next spot by nine, the ambiance can suck you right in and you may make a night of it.  Worse things can happen, I suppose. Some good spots; Mckeana's (the Aldine), Castor Bar, Smeggie's, Coach's  all classy joints to defile yourself in.

2: Head into the City: Northeast Philly folks prefer bars that are like bigger crowded versions of Northeast Philly bars, think Finnegan's Wake.  Time for gross shots and shitty cover bands. Hope you like Jump Around performed by middle aged teachers.  Now its time to score some ladies.  Picking up women isn't the easiest thing to do when you're retarded drunk at nine-thirty.  However, that shouldn't stop you from trying.  While it's well known that men from the Northeast are coveted by women the city over, scoring downtown can be difficult.  Your best hopes, a sorority chick from Drexel that just broke up with her boyfriend or a radio station intern from Penn that wants to go slumming. You just know after a grueling week of law school and interning at Ross and Feinstein, upper middle class broads are just dying to wake up next to the kettle man from Union Roofing.  Good times.

Liquid Charm. Watch out ladies!
3: Get kicked out: It's 1:30 a.m., time for the cab ride home. But you have a problem. Trying to get drunks from the NE to leave a bar at the same time is like trying to write a unified field theory.  Now what do you do?  Start a fight of course.  Punch the dogshit out of the first person that bumps into you and hope his friends aren't pussies.  Assuming they're not they'll immediately start kicking your ass.  Lucky for you Northeast code demands all of your friends start fighting no matter how big of an asshole you are, rules are rules.  No willing dance partners in the bar, no problem, start a fight with one of the bouncers. Either way, you're getting thrown out.  Mission accomplished  Crazy thing, people from the Northeast associate bars with the times they've been throw out of them.  Think I'm joking? Start talking to your Northeast friends about downtown bars, I bet it's not ten minutes before someone says, "remember that time we got kicked out of......."

1 in 3 chance, love those odds
4: Back to neighborhood: Northeast nights out don't end at 2 a.m., they end when the late night spots close. Kensington has the Photo Club, there's the Yik Yak on Torresdale or if blow is your thing there's Vagabonds on Frankford Ave.  Fine establishments all of them.  Beautiful thing about partying like your from the Northeast is you get to come full circle. Now it's 2:30 a.m. and you're drinking with the same people from the pre-game bar again.  And if you play your cards right you might wake up next to "tramp stamp".

5: Begin "carryover" Sunday: It only hurts if you stop.  Subject for a future post.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

In Today's Headlines

Our new foreign policy

           I've heard it said you can tell a great deal about a person by what they find humorous.  While I agree that statement is true, I believe it is also accurate to claim you can tell a lot about a society by examining what its media choses to cover and not to cover.  I'm aware most people watch television, read and dick around on social media for entertainment but that's not what I'm referring to.  The headlines and stories I'm talking about are the one's produced by "serious" journalists and "creditable" news outlets.  You know the type of hard hitting journalism that really gets to the heart of what's important to society.    Lets take a look at a few stories that have been dominating the headlines over the past few weeks, shall we?

This guy being a creep is news.
          Beleaguered Clippers owner Donald Sterling just can't get himself off the front page these days. This is the story that just won't go away.  The fact that the guy's a racist shitbag should not come as shock to anyone, especially since he proved time and time again over the years, he's just a horrible human being.  Why then, the round the clock coverage when this old fart asks his well paid whore, in a private conversation, to stop publicizing the fact that she's banging the frontcourt of the 87 Laker's?  Donald Sterling should have made National headlines when he denied minorities a place to live, not front court seats to a basketball game.  I guess a Jewish slumlord not renting to minorities isn't exactly news is it?  And it sure as hell isn't news when he's writing big fat checks to the NAACP.

Not comfortable with this? You bigoted bastard!
          That brings us to another sportsish story I'm sick of hearing about.  Michael Sam became the first openly gay football player to enter the NFL draft. I commend the guy for "coming out" before the draft process in order to get ahead of the rumors.  That action took balls and was legitimate news four months ago when the story broke. However, that should have been the end of the story. If we want gay folks to be treated like everyone else, then treat them like everyone else.  He should have gotten as much coverage as every other player in the draft with marginal NFL talent. Unless the media is pushing an agenda of course. The fact is most American's don't give a shit if a person is gay.  However, I can tell you most sports fans don't want the lifestyle endlessly shoved down their throat. Gay NFL player cool, Dude-Bro make out session please spare us.

Hold on. What the fuck is twitter?
          Finally, two weeks ago Islamic militant group Boko Haram kidnapped 300 Christian girls from a school in Nigeria and is threatening to sell them into sexual slavery.  Why is it news now?  The First Lady has formally disapproved of their actions on, I shit you not, twitter.  No word as to whether Boko Haram leader, Abubakar Shekau, has retweeted her #bringbackourgirls, tweet. Nice to see these psychotic assholes finally make the news cycle.  I guess the media only covers the scourge of the modern day world that are Islamists, when Michelle Obama makes it cool.  Probably wasn't sexy enough of a story when they started crucifying Christians in Syria. Either that or they don't want to stray from the Islam is like every other religion narrative they've been parroting since 9/11. Tomato.....Tomoto.

          So what are our takeaways here? According to the media....Americans need constant reminders about the racists boogeyman that lurks around every corner. We must be made to feel okay about homosexuality, by having it constantly shoved down our throats, too bad if two guys necking makes you uncomfortable, you awful bastard and  acts of homicidal insanity perpetrated by Islamic Radicals are only cause for concern when the first lady makes it trendy.  



Monday, April 28, 2014

The Right Kind of Discrimination

Reap it, you smug privileged bastards
          The Supreme Court ruled the people of Michigan have the right to the ban race based preferences, used as part of the admissions process, in their State universities.  The ruling effectively gives every State the ability, if they so chose, to rid their universities of Affirmative Action admissions policies. While I applaud the decision, I don't think it goes nearly far enough. I believe all Affirmative Action policies and initiatives, be they in connection with school admissions or job hiring processes, should be struck down as discriminatory. I'm well aware this is a pipe dream. Because you can discriminate in the United States all you want, as long as you discriminate against the right people.

         Lets start with who gets to benefit from Affirmative Action policies and initiatives and why  they do. According to most sources including there have been various incarnations of Affirmative Action policies dating all the way back to the years following the Civil War. For the purpose of this discussion I will be referring to Affirmative Action in its present form, first initiated during the Kennedy administration and then later put on steroids under L.B.J. The purpose initially was to help African Americans reach an "equal playing field" with white Americans after years of discrimination. In 1965,  L.B.J. stated:  "You do not take a person who, for years, has been hobbled by chains and liberate him, bring him up to the starting line of a race and then say you are free to compete with all the others, and still just believe that you have been completely fair." From its inception Affirmative Action was intended to help African Americans overcome the past injustice suffered throughout their unique history in the United States.

          Although enacted from seemingly noble and necessary rationale, Affirmative Action policies have morphed over the years to include any and every group of Americans that are either a statistical minority (except Asians, presumably for making other minorities look bad.) or have had an history of discrimination or persecution at some point in their group's past. Like most progressive policies, it was conceived with lofty goals and genuine benevolence towards a group of people that we're legitimately disadvantaged and morphed to cover every group that bitched and complained enough. Basically, any body whose great, great grandparents had their feelings hurt by a white man is coved at this juncture.

The face of oppression
          All of this begs the question: Who does not benefit from Affirmative Action policies and initiatives?  You got it, white males! And for some reason Asians. O' yeah, they don't need it.  The fact that most white people's ancestors emigrated here after slavery was abolished, lived in Northern cities void of mandated segregation, and that there are more poor white people than black people and in many places where Affirmative Action is practiced whites are no longer a majority, means nothing to Affirmative Action activists. The reason it is still advocated for by so many people is because... wait for it.... so many people are benefiting from it. Minority politicians and those serving minority communities, being fairly intelligent individuals, know challenging Affirmative Action policies might cost them support and advocating for it could garner them votes. Simple vote-buying and nothing more. White male politicians on the other hand rarely speak openly about it for fear of being labeled racists. Whether or not it is still necessary is irrelevant at this point. And nobody really gives a shit if a few privileged white males don't get into Harvard, right?

They're letting them in Harvard!?
         The real problem lies with the people that shape public perception and policy for the rest of us. Many of our elites in the media, the universities and government operate under the assumption that the United States is perpetually stuck in 1952. A world where the Thurston Howell the Thirds of the Country sit in smoke-filled rooms, at segregated country clubs, smacking their servers on the ass, pull strings to keep women out of the workforce and Jews out of Harvard.  In this fantasy land white males cannot be trusted not to oppress the rest of society and therefore must be coerced into hiring and admitting minorities and women into jobs and universities via Affirmative Action. People with this outlook tend to view Affirmative Action as more of a punishment for evil white males and Asians, for some reason, than a helping hand to minorities.

What the hell is Affirmative Action?
         That brings us to the Asian paradox.  No group of Americans has more reason to bitch and complain about shabby treatment than Asians.  From the Chinese Exclusion Act to the Japanese internment camps, the U.S. government hasn't exactly treated the Asian community with great affection. However, Asians continue to be a fantastic success by and large.  According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, Asian men are the highest earning demographic in the country. Okay, I know what you're saying,  "way to cherry pick the "model minority" to make your point, dickhead." Then riddle me this, how come over 25% of Nigerian-Americans hold a post graduate degree, compared with only 11% of whites? They're black and they live in America. Shouldn't the horribly racist system have put them at a disadvantage?  Perhaps the real issues retarding success in certain minority communities have less to do with historical injustice and more to do with culture and all the Affirmative Action initiatives in the world can't address that quandary.

        Advocates of Affirmative Action are the real racists.  What they're essentially saying is women, African-Americans and Hispanics, Hispanics now making up the largest group benefiting from Affirmative Action policies, can't compete with everyone else. Simply put, by denying Asians Affirmative Action benefits, they're telling people this minority (Asians) can compete and succeed, but these minorities (women, blacks Hispanics) aren't capable. 

          Here's how you solve the problem of discriminatory admissions policies in colleges and universities.  Stop discriminating during the admissions process.  Take race, gender and names off the applications.  Assign every applicant a number and accept students based solely on merit only. 

          The bottom line is this:  If the top ten most qualified applicants for a job or a spot in a college are all white males and three of them don't get the position because 30% of the spots are set aside for minorities or women, the only reason those men did not get the position is because of the color of their skin and the dick in their pants. And that, my friends, is the definition of discrimination. 





Tuesday, April 1, 2014

April Morons

I swear this is a real thing
          We are living in the greatest place on Earth, during the most prosperous time in human history. How do I know you ask? Look at the absolutely ludicrous nonsense issues we are concerning ourselves with these days. Our lives are so splendid that we have to invent shit to whine about. The problems the media and our elites would have you believe we are facing, if voiced aloud, at any other point in the history of humanity would have gotten you at best laughed at and at worst thrown in a mental hospital. For instance, the U.N. claims that genders are not fixed, they're chosen. No I'm not joking. This preposterous notions is actually given credence and serious discussion in "enlightened" circles nation wide.

          Could you imagine telling parents in the 1950's little Johnny gets to choose his gender, lest we force our him into a gender prison that he may never escape?  That's right, gender unlike sex is merely a social construct. Little boys play with trucks, watch Spider Man and shit their pants until they're five because that's what society expects from them. And little girls dress up dolls, watch Cinderella and start saying horrible things about each other at age four because that's what they see adult women doing.  The worst part is our awful society has been perpetuating these stereotypes, O, I don't know, for around ten thousand years.  Thanks Ancient Greeks. If you guys weren't so horribly oppressive to little girls five thousand years ago maybe we would have had a female President by now.

No you cannot wear a dress to school
             No worries parents, the social crusaders are out to correct this horribly repressive system.  Let boys be boys. Only if you're a backwards troglodyte, dragging your ol' lady around by the hair and clubbing your dinner to death, before making her cook it.  Thank God for us the enlightened members of society are advocating letting children chose their own gender.  What could go wrong? I'm sure your five year old has a solid decision making record.  So let me get this straight, you tell your kid; when to go to bed, when to get up, what to eat, what to wear but you want your kid to tell you what gender they want to identify as? Good luck.

What bathroom do I use?
          How, in a sane society, can any reasonable person give any of this a second thought before pissing their pants laughing? Answer, easily. The State of California is working to pass a law allowing students to choose what bathroom they prefer using, based on the gender they think they are, or some such horseshit.  That's right, the State that twice elected the guy that read the script from Kindergarten Cop and said "That's a great fucking idea for a movie" are pioneers in the area of gender equality. From the time I was five until about nine, I thought I was Chewbacca. And apparently my parents are appalling assholes for not indulging this fantasy. My dad should have dressed as Han Solo and my mom should have advocated my school build a bathroom for Wookies. So if little Susie Sunshine ,says tomorrow, she wants to live her life as a dude  you better cut her hair and build a MMA pit in your basement or you're a despicable, oppressive, piece of shit excuse for a parent.

          You think there's a chance any of these poor young impressionable children are saying they want to identify as another gender for attention? Me too. Next time you hear a person start talking about gender identification, identify them as an asshole immediately. Furthermore, any parents who put their children on hormone replacement therapy should be thrown in prison.

Coming to a City near you.

Monday, March 24, 2014

The Gay Gestapo

     Let me start by saying, I don't care about gay marriage or marriage "equality" or what ever the hell people want to call it these days.  For the most part neither do most Americans. Most Americans, like myself, just don't want their lifestyle shoved down our collective throats constantly and then a lecture about what a bunch of bigoted assholes we are when, God forbid, we ask for a break. It's the "gay Nazis" at the Universities, in Hollywood and Cooperate America that can leave no area of American life untouched by their "gay rights" proselytizing, that are starting to piss me off. Can any facet of American life be left untouched by the "Gay Gestapo?" First it was the St. Paddy's Day Parade, then the military, then sitcoms, then schools, then the NFL and finally back to the St. Paddy's Day Parade again. That's it! Marry who ever the hell you want, just leave the rest of us alone.

Stop enjoying your parade, you hate filled bastards!

     A hand full of corporations decided they were going to pull their usual sponsorship from this year's, New York city Saint Patrick's Day parade. Not because gays were excluded from walking in the parade, mind you, but because they were being treated like everybody else.  The parade committee just asked that they not carry signs that advertise their sexuality. What a concept? I'm fairly certain that no other group marching in the parade was advertising their sexuality.  I'm yet to see the picture of the A.O.H. marching with a sign that says 'we bang chicks' or the Emerald Society  riding a float of a hetero-sexual couple in full coitus.  And that's the problem with the "Gay Gestapo." Walking in the parade just like everyone else isn't good enough. No.. they need to shit all over a 100 year old tradition and turn it in to a fucking Ricky Martin concert. Bottom line is, no one cares what your sexual preference is. Just wear green, walk the damn parade route, get retarded drunk and have a good time. It's hard enough explaining to your kids why adults are pissing in the street. People sure as hell don't feel like explaining why a ripped, shirtless St. Patrick is making out with a midget in a Leprechaun outfit.

     The Gay "SS" would have you believe all they want is marriage equality.  Marriage "equality" is one the greatest intentional misnomers ever propagated. Anybody can get married. You just can't marry whoever the hell you want. The "Gay Gestapo" wants to change the rules. Control the language, control the argument.  Example: Gay Gestapo: 'are you for marriage equality?' Normal human being: 'na, I believe marriage is between a man and a women.'  Gay Gestapo: 'then you don't believe gays are entitled to the same rights as everyone else, you bigoted Fascist!?'  Argument over. But "equality", you see, is not their goal.  If it were, why doesn't anyone argue for the creation of a new institution called garriage, where people have the same legal recognition and protection as a normal marriage, however, with a union of same sex people. Answer... because gay marriage isn't about creating a new game, it's about changing the old game for everyone else. You can bring a football to a golf course and play ball if you want. However, what you're playing is never going to be golf unless you change the rules of the game. And that my friends is exactly the goal of the "Gay Gestapo."
Say Vaaaaat?

     The most militant arm of the "Gay Gestapo" is the homophobic police.  They're everywhere, they're relentless and they strike when you least expect it.  There are a lot of things that can't be uttered in polite society anymore and most for good reason. Nonetheless, few things short of the "N" word will get a person in more trouble than uttering a homophobic slur. The homophobic police can't throw you in jail, but they can sure as hell make your life miserable. Just ask Alec Baldwin. People have lost their jobs, homes and had their whole lives destroyed because someone at the office overheard them say gay marriage was wrong.  And good luck firing an open homosexual no matter how incompetent they are. Our new protected class (every one that's not a straight, white, male. Your welcomed for the civilization you ungrateful bastards) sure is protected. I don't want to live in a world where an off color joke about gay guys in a hot tub can land you in the unemployment line. 

     Look.. I don't care who marries who or who marches in what parade. But I do care about the "Gay Gestapos" relentless push and incessant whining from their moral soapbox at every perceived slight or injustice.  Just give us all a break and let us have our damn parade in peace. And Guinness you can go fuck yourself.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Screw March Madness

I'm a deranged, smacked-ass, baby!

     It's mid-March again and time for the annual marathon that is NCAA basketball tournament.  Once again we will be picking our brackets, cheering for some over-privilege 20 year old to make a damn free throw and listening to Dickie V. scream like a deranged town crier about how we're watching the greatest spectacle in sports.  I, for one, am over the NCAA tournament. This, however, will not inoculate me from the extravaganza. No, I too will play multiple pools, get pissed off when nobody can make an open jump shot and get sucked into the round the clock, slobbering love affair, media coverage. 

Your bracket is screwed buddy!

       We all love a good "Cinderella" story, but should we? Here's the problem with "Cinderella"  teams. Sure it's fun to root for the underdogs, but when they win the pool of good teams is diluted and so are the chances of seeing the best match-ups.  Shouldn't we want the good teams to win so we can watch better games?  Eventually, the "Cinderella's" luck runs out and we have to watch them get rolled by a real team in the "elite 8" by 30 points.  I guess the worst part about the upset teams winning is that you have to listen to that jackass at work tell you about how he knew Hampton was due for a run, even though he can't even tell you what State it's in.  The real problem with "Cinderella's" is that it's only fun to cheer for them if you're watching the right game and I, of course, never am.

  The greatest prognosticator in basketball history.

        The odds of picking a perfect bracket are roughly a million to one. Despite that halfwits everywhere (myself included) will pick pools in the office tournament.  When we turn that thing in we know we are really nailed it.  We are so confident in our infinite wisdom, based on the careful analysis we no doubt used, that we'll also play another pool with our "upsets" in it. You know just in case the team we picked to go to the "Final Four" that we haven't see play once all year, because their on the West Coast and we just can't stay up that late, isn't up to the task of taking out a powerhouse like Middle-Tennessee State. The rule of thumb is, the more time you spend pouring over your bracket and checking the R.P.I., the less chance you have of actually picking a winner. That's why everyone is enraged when at the end of the day a women from the office that doesn't know jack shit about basketball wins, but no one is surprised.  

     Inevitably, during the endless stream of coverage, one of the analyst's will bring up the T.V. ratings and the ludicrous amount of money the NCAA banks during the tournament's run. This discussion is almost always followed by the "we need to pay the players" bullshit argument propagated by some ex-hoopster.  First of all, why should we give a rat's ass how much money the NCAA is making? Secondly, why should anyone feel the least bit sorry for the most over-privileged students (if you can call them that) on a college campus. Why, because between basket weaving 101 and banging cheerleaders they have to go to practice?   Clearly, the people making these arguments are not crushed by the financial burden of student loans.  Furthermore, no one is forcing these young men to play college basketball. If it's that difficult being a beloved college athlete, then go through the "regular" application process like the rest of us. Having a hard time getting by on the stipends given to athletes? Quit playing and get a job at Wal-Mart.  Don't complain to the 98% of us who would give our right arm to be blessed with your unearned, God given ability.  If you fail to appreciate the six figure blessing, that is a college scholarship, you got for being able to dunk a fucking basketball, than you're not smart enough to be in possession of a college degree anyway.

Going to Harvard to beat up some smart kids. In Southie accent

   Despite all the annoyances that go alone with the NCAA tournament, I''ll be watching anyway and so will you.  Good luck, I hope Harvard bust your bracket of the first day.  They got me last year, those brainy pricks.