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Friday, May 30, 2014

Philly Focus: 5 Steps to Partying Like You're From the Northeast

Follow the guide and this could be you!
          Like most blue collar communities, we in the Northeast have a different notion of a good time.  Our idea of fun isn't exclusive to our little community and many neighborhoods around the city have a similar understanding as to what constitutes rip-roaring good fun, but like a white man teaching a Black Studies class, I just wouldn't feel comfortable talking about how other people get down.  So if you want to party like you're from the Northeast, here's how it's done.

No finer establishment exists
        1: Pregame:  We in the Northeast prefer to start our nights with some good pre-game drinking.  That's drinking before you go out drinking, for all of the pussies out there that think six hours of boozing is enough.  We prefer a local bar for this particular venture, the drinks being cheaper and all.  You want to get there around five-thirty.  This way the old guys from the neighborhood who've been drinking all day can regale you with bullshit stories of their youth in between betting on horse races.  Sure they're all half crazy, racists but they make you feel good about yourself. O...and the women at the pre-game bars...Fat girls in tight clothes, whorish make up, tramp stamps and big stupid earrings everywhere.  And the best part is you may even have a shot with these broads if you play your cards right. Men's room's a disgusting pigsty, shit in the ladies room, no one cares, its beautiful.  The thing with pre-gaming is, if you're not in a cab on the way to the next spot by nine, the ambiance can suck you right in and you may make a night of it.  Worse things can happen, I suppose. Some good spots; Mckeana's (the Aldine), Castor Bar, Smeggie's, Coach's  all classy joints to defile yourself in.

2: Head into the City: Northeast Philly folks prefer bars that are like bigger crowded versions of Northeast Philly bars, think Finnegan's Wake.  Time for gross shots and shitty cover bands. Hope you like Jump Around performed by middle aged teachers.  Now its time to score some ladies.  Picking up women isn't the easiest thing to do when you're retarded drunk at nine-thirty.  However, that shouldn't stop you from trying.  While it's well known that men from the Northeast are coveted by women the city over, scoring downtown can be difficult.  Your best hopes, a sorority chick from Drexel that just broke up with her boyfriend or a radio station intern from Penn that wants to go slumming. You just know after a grueling week of law school and interning at Ross and Feinstein, upper middle class broads are just dying to wake up next to the kettle man from Union Roofing.  Good times.

Liquid Charm. Watch out ladies!
3: Get kicked out: It's 1:30 a.m., time for the cab ride home. But you have a problem. Trying to get drunks from the NE to leave a bar at the same time is like trying to write a unified field theory.  Now what do you do?  Start a fight of course.  Punch the dogshit out of the first person that bumps into you and hope his friends aren't pussies.  Assuming they're not they'll immediately start kicking your ass.  Lucky for you Northeast code demands all of your friends start fighting no matter how big of an asshole you are, rules are rules.  No willing dance partners in the bar, no problem, start a fight with one of the bouncers. Either way, you're getting thrown out.  Mission accomplished  Crazy thing, people from the Northeast associate bars with the times they've been throw out of them.  Think I'm joking? Start talking to your Northeast friends about downtown bars, I bet it's not ten minutes before someone says, "remember that time we got kicked out of......."

1 in 3 chance, love those odds
4: Back to neighborhood: Northeast nights out don't end at 2 a.m., they end when the late night spots close. Kensington has the Photo Club, there's the Yik Yak on Torresdale or if blow is your thing there's Vagabonds on Frankford Ave.  Fine establishments all of them.  Beautiful thing about partying like your from the Northeast is you get to come full circle. Now it's 2:30 a.m. and you're drinking with the same people from the pre-game bar again.  And if you play your cards right you might wake up next to "tramp stamp".

5: Begin "carryover" Sunday: It only hurts if you stop.  Subject for a future post.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

In Today's Headlines

Our new foreign policy

           I've heard it said you can tell a great deal about a person by what they find humorous.  While I agree that statement is true, I believe it is also accurate to claim you can tell a lot about a society by examining what its media choses to cover and not to cover.  I'm aware most people watch television, read and dick around on social media for entertainment but that's not what I'm referring to.  The headlines and stories I'm talking about are the one's produced by "serious" journalists and "creditable" news outlets.  You know the type of hard hitting journalism that really gets to the heart of what's important to society.    Lets take a look at a few stories that have been dominating the headlines over the past few weeks, shall we?

This guy being a creep is news.
          Beleaguered Clippers owner Donald Sterling just can't get himself off the front page these days. This is the story that just won't go away.  The fact that the guy's a racist shitbag should not come as shock to anyone, especially since he proved time and time again over the years, he's just a horrible human being.  Why then, the round the clock coverage when this old fart asks his well paid whore, in a private conversation, to stop publicizing the fact that she's banging the frontcourt of the 87 Laker's?  Donald Sterling should have made National headlines when he denied minorities a place to live, not front court seats to a basketball game.  I guess a Jewish slumlord not renting to minorities isn't exactly news is it?  And it sure as hell isn't news when he's writing big fat checks to the NAACP.

Not comfortable with this? You bigoted bastard!
          That brings us to another sportsish story I'm sick of hearing about.  Michael Sam became the first openly gay football player to enter the NFL draft. I commend the guy for "coming out" before the draft process in order to get ahead of the rumors.  That action took balls and was legitimate news four months ago when the story broke. However, that should have been the end of the story. If we want gay folks to be treated like everyone else, then treat them like everyone else.  He should have gotten as much coverage as every other player in the draft with marginal NFL talent. Unless the media is pushing an agenda of course. The fact is most American's don't give a shit if a person is gay.  However, I can tell you most sports fans don't want the lifestyle endlessly shoved down their throat. Gay NFL player cool, Dude-Bro make out session please spare us.

Hold on. What the fuck is twitter?
          Finally, two weeks ago Islamic militant group Boko Haram kidnapped 300 Christian girls from a school in Nigeria and is threatening to sell them into sexual slavery.  Why is it news now?  The First Lady has formally disapproved of their actions on, I shit you not, twitter.  No word as to whether Boko Haram leader, Abubakar Shekau, has retweeted her #bringbackourgirls, tweet. Nice to see these psychotic assholes finally make the news cycle.  I guess the media only covers the scourge of the modern day world that are Islamists, when Michelle Obama makes it cool.  Probably wasn't sexy enough of a story when they started crucifying Christians in Syria. Either that or they don't want to stray from the Islam is like every other religion narrative they've been parroting since 9/11. Tomato.....Tomoto.

          So what are our takeaways here? According to the media....Americans need constant reminders about the racists boogeyman that lurks around every corner. We must be made to feel okay about homosexuality, by having it constantly shoved down our throats, too bad if two guys necking makes you uncomfortable, you awful bastard and  acts of homicidal insanity perpetrated by Islamic Radicals are only cause for concern when the first lady makes it trendy.