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Thursday, April 26, 2018

Deadbeat's Guide to Mother's Day Gifts

If you're like me, you think mother's day is just another made up holiday, designed by corporate America to shame men into spending their hard earned money on women or risk having your old lady think your an ungrateful shitbag.  Giving her, yet another reason, to bang her cross-fit coach.   The truth is, your wife or baby momma deserves some appreciation for spawning your demon seed and if buying her more, useless shit, will make her feel appreciated, that's the least we can do.  I know it can be intimidating, leaving your house, going to a store, and talking to actual people while the sun's still out, so I'm giving you 6 perfect gift ideas, you can purchase, without getting up of your ass.  Here's some gift ideas for you deadbeats. 

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For less than $30, you're lady will be able to cover the smell  of you and your children's natural musk.  Give her the opportunity to close her eyes, transport herself to a spa, collect her thoughts, and forget she let you knock her up.

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Think of this, high ticket item, as a gift for both of you.  On the plus side, you won't be fumbling through her jewelry box looking for spare change anymore.  On the minus side, she may expect you to fill this thing with jewelry. Use your discretion here...

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Imagine how surprised your "old battle ax" will be, when she comes home and sees this reminder, that she needs booze to get through a week with you and your hell-spawn, hanging in the dining room.  Jazz it up with some nice glasses or this contraption, for fall down drunks.  Whether your wife's a casual drinker or a total booze bag she'll love it.  

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Perfect gift for the guy, that pays zero attention to anything his lady says and thus has no idea what she likes.  You can't go wrong here.  Fact, women like to have soft skin and smell nice.  Sure its a generic gift that says, "I put zero thought into this, but I still got you something."  What's the alternative?  Listening to your wife when she's talking? 

Okay fellas, click here and here, for two completely selfish mother's day gifts.  Assuming your "ball and chain" hasn't let herself go since becoming a mother, you'll enjoy these.  Disclaimer, First, I don't recommend them as a stand alone gift, unless you content being a complete shitbird. Second, be careful or you'll have another mouth to feed and kid to but a card from, come next mother's day. Enjoy...