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Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Get a Lawyer Northeast Philly

Convergence of the space-time continuum

       The other day a friend and I were pondering why two guys as smart, handsome and talented as we undoubtedly are, aren't living in mansions, driving nice cars and snorting caviar off a supermodel's ass.  This presented a real conundrum, since none of this could've possibly be our fault.  We went through a litany of possible culprits before reaching our eureka moment. Little league coaches, teachers, alcohol,  T.V. shows, contaminated drinking water, were all floated as possibilities.  None of these entities alone, we hypothesized, could possibly explain the totality of our life-long under achieving.  During the course of our lengthy discussion we had come to realize that we are products of our environment. The schools, the bars, the non-existent social connections all the evidence points towards you Northeast Philly!  That's why we wish be compensated for all of the things we never figured out growing up. Therefore, we are filing a class action suit on behalf of all aggrieved Northeast Philly products in attempt to salvage some semblance of a normal life.

     The schooling in Northeast Philly was manifestly sub-par.  Now mind you, I'm not talking about the actually academic facet of education.  That part was fine, it was the social development that was lacking in Northeast Philly schools.  When I'm describing schools, I mean the Catholic schools.  The only people who attended public schools were bussed in or kids from the neighborhood whose parents didn't love them. Nobody built your self esteem. Most of the people who staffed the schools we attended were around since the sixties and didn't give a rat's ass what you thought about anything. Who knows? If one of those old curmudgeons would have told me I could be anything other than a ditch digger or an inmate, I could have been the "drunken asshole" character on a reality show. 
Could have been me

     Perhaps my biggest issues with  the schools were that we never learned to properly socialize,  especially with the opposite sex.  This, no doubt, has marred any healthy relationship we may have otherwise had.  Outside of those uppity first track, shitbags, how many people do you know from the Northeast in a healthy relationship?  F.Y.I. joining a dart league so you can escape your family and get blackout drunk on a week night ain't healthy.  The problem starts in grade school, where every interaction you have with the opposite sex is either discouraged or closely monitored by psychotic nuns that long to do nothing more than kick you in the jibbers should your eyes gaze anywhere in the forbidden zones. Then there's the single gender high schools.  What did you learn there? How to break balls and fart during momentary silence without shitting yourself? Very valuable skills indeed.   It's a pretty safe bet that the guy at a party that smell like ass, makes fun of girls until they cry before trying to leave with them, went to Father Judge or North Catholic.

     Then there were the gyms of the Northeast. How were we supposed to be healthy when the guys we looked up to were built like professional wrestlers?  Now people do cross fit, tough mudders and triathlons.  You couldn't get prepared for that kind of venture in an old school Northeast Philly gym.  The cardio equipment was just for show and if you accidently stepped on a treadmill everyone just assumed you were gay. We wanted to be mass monsters. We were developing the Northeast bar build favored by roofers and road crews.  You saw it every time you handed your fake I.D. to the guy at the door of the Sheffield Tavern; big arms, big chest, skinny legs and a beer gut. Think Hacksaw Jim Dugan. Had I known I was going to get bitch tits, I just would have taken steroids.   We really thought chicks liked this look.

There's some Hooooooooooooos in this house!
     Nowhere did you get a more false sense of what's acceptable than a Northeast bar. I wish some one told me the rest of society didn't drink for seven hours, use fuck as an adjective and a verb in the same sentence and act like an obnoxious asshole four days a week. Also it would have saved me a mountain of grief had someone just explained that it's not cool to defecate in the women's bathroom when the men's is full. Crazy thing, you don't have to drink like it's your bachelor party every time you walk in a bar (that gem will help you at professional lunches.)   Finally, I had to learn the hard way that women don't like it when you wait till 1:50 a.m. to try to talk to them, while slobbering all over yourself. 
     That's it in a nutshell.  If your from the Northeast and wish to join our class action lawsuit let me know in the comments section below.  Not sure if you qualify, than your not from Northeast Philly.

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