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Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Every One's a Pussy

Manliness Personified
    
      
     How do you know a man's, man when you see him? Answer, these days it's impossible.  At one time pop-culture was littered with awesome examples of badass manliness.  The kind of guys that would inspire you to say, "damn I wish I had balls like that!"  Now acting as if "you had balls like that" will at best, label you a chauvinist asshole and at worst land you a sexual harassment suit for oppressing some shrieking violet.  Life was a hell of a lot more fun before all of our tough guys got castrated.  You know why no one ever told Rowdy Roddy Piper he had to go to sensitivity training?  Because he would have lifted his kilt, bitch slapped them with his giant nutsack and had a threesome with their wife and sister.  I'm sure there are still guys out there like that, but they're all in hiding. Unfortunately, modern society has no room for openly "manly" guys and that's why every one's a pussy.





Tell me how you felt inside when they hacked off your finger.
       Professional athletes used to be the pinnacle of all things manly. Regular guys should envy Pro Athletes. Who doesn't want to be built like a Greek god, perform superhuman feats, use the hottest women in the world's asses for pillows, all while making millions of dollars?  Hell, even special teamers are knocking off playmates.  I'm looking at you Hank Basket.  These guys check off almost every box on the manliness list.  The stories of many pro athlete's toughness used to be the stuff of legend.  Ronnie Lott once told a team trainer to cut his fucking finger off, so he could play in a regular season game! Meanwhile Carey Williams sat out training camp to pick sconces for his new house. Now we have to hear about all of their hard luck stories growing up in the special segments on Sportscenter, concluding with the guys we used to idolize bawling like they're on Dr. Drew's couch. No reporters ever asked Dr. J to unpack his feelings over the loss of his mother because he would strangled the shit out of them like they were Larry Bird.

     Cartoon villains were always bumbling buffoons.  They were however serious men.  Wile e Coyote attempted experiments that would make Josef Mengele say, "that's fucked up!"  Now even cartoon bad guys are pussies.  I watched the original Peter Pan the other day. Captain Hook was actually trying to kill Peter Pan and his boys.  Now he and Peter Pan work together to try to over come obstacles and get gold doubloons or something. They're standing right next to each other in every episode for Christ's sake.  The old Captain Hook would have just shot him in the face and sold  the Neverland Boys to a child slavery ring. Furthermore, when did Tom and Jerry go to couples therapy? They're actually friends now. I remember an old episode in which Jerry shot Tom's keister off with a double barrel shot gun. Now, how are kids supposed to learn about the dangers of firearms? I never thought I'd see the day when Elmer Fudd broke bread with Bugs Bunny, but here we are.

    

So you want to fire a giant rocket up his ass? Sick...


      Then there's the Rock Starr.  Axl Rose would belt out Paradise City, start a fist fight with Slash, then dropkick a female fan in the front row and all before the first act ended. Now I have to listen to Chis Martin 's high pitch squealing as he waxes on about some girl that broke his heart in high school because he wore glasses or some shit. Followed by Adam Levine whining because his parents got a divorce.  These guys aren't manly or tough anymore and they certainly aren't real rock stars.  I want my rock stars trashing hotel rooms, punching photographers and doing things the would land a normal person in prison. Rock stars shouldn't be pinning on about the necessity of "going green" and explaining how bullying is hurtful.  I would have given my right arm to hang around with Bret Micheals.  I'm not sure I would even want to be in the same room with the preachy blowhards, that flail around in skinny jeans and sing songs about how hard their life was because they lost their cellphone charger in tenth grade. What a bunch of pussies.

 
Even we think Maroon 5 are pussies.




Outside of the crew of the Northwestern or the cast of the Ultimate Fighter good luck finding some pop-culture though guys.  Unfortunately, the feminization of our culture is almost complete (subject for a future post) and it's only going to get worse. No good news here.




                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   





    

1 comment:

  1. Shelby Stanga. Runs around the swamp barefoot, has been bitten by a cottonmouth, drives heavy equipment recklessy, makes a living doing hard work (prior to his show, of course) and he often has a gun stuck in the front of his pants.

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